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| redundant,.
that's how my life is. and i think the redundancy of it all won't end,..
there are days i wake up perfectly a-ok,.. but other days i wake up hating the world,.. probably everyone too,..
i want to stop studying for a while.. i've just lost every desire to pore over school things,. i'm tired of not sleeping and not hanging out,.. the last few months prob'ly were the busiest i had,.. i never had time for myself,..
i want to just chill,.. shEesh, i duNno,.i wanna freakin' kiLl myself really,.
dapat na ba kong mag-shift?!
that is the pressing issue,..
una, i never wanted to be a nurse,.. i didn't want to be anything matter of fact,.. but hell, i tOok up nursing,.. ewan ko kung ano sumapi sa 'kin,.. i just took the tests and went with it,.. kung tinuloy ko naman yung tourism stint ko sa UST hindi ko din alam if i'd be regretting it the same,..
secondly, hindi na talaga ko nag-eenjoy sa ginagawa ko,.. usually i just tough it up if i'm doing things i'm "supposed" to do instead of things i "want" to do,.. pero the 4+ years i'd be spending on it kills me,. just thinking about it pulls my strings,..
pero at the same time,
nahihiya naman ako kela mama and papa,.. i mean, were not exactly rich aren't we? buti sana kung wala akong kapatid,.. buti sana if mama and papa didn't have any obligations [i.e mga pinapag-aral nilang mga pinsan ko] they've worked their a*ses oFf for me,.. just to push through with this,..
secondly, all my other relatives "expect" me to graduate from this,.. i'm not really the blacksheep type,.. i've never rebelled to the full sense of the word,.. weLl, none of my siblings have really,.. in terms of acads me and my siblings kind of rank first in the family,.. so if i drop out from this, i really wouldn't be surprised if i'd be the talk at every family gathering,..
pero if i go on with this, would i be able to see it through the end?! knowing na even a quarter of my heart don't want anything to do with it anymore?! the luster's just gone plain and simple,..
i just need a good sit down with someone,.. but no one really seems to notice,..
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| i seriously have forgotten how it feels to vent on the net,.but i decided to give it another shot,..
maTatawag na naMan akong eMo nito,. tsK tsk,..
sOo,.. lTely i've bEen declining every aFfair i'm getting invited to,..usuaLly i'm busy,.. i really am,.. duTy season kasi kaya were all in a frantic atmosphere sa school,..i'm fLat brOke pa,.. naubos laHat ng inipon ko nung nursing night,.. oh well,.. money does have wings,..
aside from that i'm really really really confused right now,.. andaming personal issues,.. i can't face my demons,.. i know they'd gobble me up alive if i confronted them right now,.. im unprepared,..too unprepared,..
sobrang dagok talaga,..
i know i'm a lola's girl,..
my maternal lola treats me like a princess when i'm spending the summer at their house,.. kahit ano she'd buy it for me,.. if i'm not used to eating whats on the table she'd willingly,.. and eagerly cook up something,.. just so that i can eat,.. i have all the freedom there,.. laze up all day and bask in the sun or go swimming all afternoon,.. everythings possible,.. as long as she knew where i was and who i was with,.. she believes in me sooooo much,.. kasama ko siya when i first experienced trekking up to the mountains,.. kaming dalawa lang,.. and mind you, she was 60 something at that time na,.. despite the bad knee, she toughed it up and we went up up up those muddy slopes to have bamboos delivered to our house for my lolo's boat,..[my narration sounds like a fictional story or something,..] she was with me when i first walked through an entire rice field,.. shortcut daw kami,.. tapos we sat and rested inside this kubo in the middle of the field pa,.. its still vivid,.. i was in elementary pa nun,.. grade 5 or 6 ata,.. and she was the one who pulled me up when i fell into the canal for irrigating the paddy,.. although she freaked the hell out of me when she said "puro linta diyan!" she still pulled me up,.. and then she laughed at me afterwards,..
sheEeesshh,..
kung entuai ka aLam mo siguro why i'm (quoTing my chuBby friend) getting nostalgic,.. she had a stroke,.niTo niTo lang,.. and she's paralyzed right now,.. the whole right side of her body,..i don't know if i shouldn't call myself selfish,.. i haven't called to check up on her,.. i'm to scared to break down with her hearing me,.. i was arguing with myself if i should spend my ipon for myself,.. kasi she still needs money for dialysis and ct scan,.. i did end up spending my ipon,.. i was soo guilty i did,.but people told me i didn't have to worry for financial matters,. pero i still fell this way,.. everytime i see my empty alkansya i feel like this little selfish monster,..sh*t,..
thats bLow no. 1,..
here goes the second,..
my paternal lola's sister in the states is also sick,..[what's up with that?! two lola's in one freakin blow,.] sabi ng tita ko delusional na daw sometimes,.. she's pretty old na din naman,.. about 90 siguro,.. but i'm also close to her,.. pag umuuwi sila, nakakahiya man aminin, i'm always her p.a.,. i mean, she's old,.. give me a break,.. and with nothing to do i'd rather be with her,.. saka tagging along is easy,..i just have to carry her bag for her,.. plus we go do leisurely stuff when she gets bored,.. we spent a whole day at the mall this one time,.. just walking around and stuff,.. we ate at resto's with branches sa virginia,.. she wanted to know daw if they served foods better here or there,.. we ate at pizza hut once tapos we ordered separate family sized pizzas,..i wanted the meaty one and she wanted something else,..bahala na daw pag di naubos,.. i enden up eating 2 slices off of mine and we brought the rest home,.. then we'd watch movies,.. she'd pick yung hindi pinapasukan ng tao,.. the first time she did that i wanted to protest,.. but i was a tad bit scared of her,.panganay kasi kaya authority tingin ko,.. kaya pala yun yung papasukan namin, she wants to sleep,.. kasi hindi siya makatulog sa init ng gabi kaya she'd sleep as the movie is playing,.. with her feet up on the headrest of the lower row of cinema seats,.. she'd buy me all the things i'd wish to nibble on habang siya, natutulog,.. another perk i have is, i'm lways first pick,.. pag may dala siyang stuff i always get to choose first,.. even before my tita's,.. she'd talk to me on hours on end about how i could helpmy family a lot if i get established in the profession i'm heading to,..she offered to help with paperwork pa kasi she had doctor friends,.. she believed in me a lot din,.. this one time, she spent her 85th b-day kasi here, when she went back to v.a., i found this album she prepared for me,.. a collection o pictures during her stay,..
damn,..
yeah yeah,.. i am emotional right now,.. i just can't put a finger on it but there are a lot of things that are bothering me,..
i don't need your judgment right now really,.. sympathy?! maybe,.. understanding would do,..
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| i haD a bLast today,.. medyo biTin yUng hOurs wiTh chub, chaii, bear, bHe and tAng pero beTter thAn nothing na siguro yun,.. ksi naman i really had to go fetch something soRry talaga,. sa sUsunOd ulet ah?! miSsed doIng tHat,.. haha,.. saNa neXt time laHat na,.. the hOt sHots eXperience diba?! nEweiz, hoRoscope recap,.. There is a lot of intense activity going on today -- and big changes are afoot. lOve na kaya ito?! hmMmmMm,.. | | |
| firSt of, soRry kasi sobrang 48 million years before i get to update,.. i mean, as much as i want to rant about all my pains and everyday happenings in my ever quiet blog, i can't. i don't even have decent slEeping hOurs right now,.. tulog ko 1,2,3 am and i have to wake up at 5,.. even on saturdays,.. tapos pag sunday i'm swamped with tons of schOolwork,.. as much as i want to slack off and throw my cares in the bin, syang tuition,.. ha! neweiz, all in all naman i'm okay,.. i think i'm gaining weight dahil sa stress,.. bumabawi kasi ako sa kain eh,.. aAaAarRgGhH!! love handles galOre ako,.. sad,.. so much for portion control,.. can't stop myself from second, third servings,.. tapos alam mo yun, andaya,.. pakiramdam mo sobrang deprived ka sa lahat,sleep, recreation, physically, emotionally,.. so ang vent mo fOod,.. andaya talaga,.. para na akong racoon,.. bags bags bags!! wala na kasing pakialamanan sa school kahit sampung patong pa yung eyebags mo, basta nakakapasa ka, diyos ka pa rin,.. racoon gods or goddesses.. mga aSsessments would take the hell oFf of you,.. hindi dahil mentally draining [partly] but because sobrang physically exhausting!! ask melai,.. hindi pa ako nagdu-duty nito ah,.. si melai nagdu-duty na,.. so pag nasa hospital na ko, sigurado parang kinoloran ng black crayolas ang ilalim ng mata ko,.. and weird,.. bakit ngayon gustong gusto kong magpatangkad?! 'nyeta kasi yung ibang 1st years eh,.. mga halimaw sa tangkad,.. ultimo babae parang mga pader,..eh ano ako pag katabi nila? buBble gum. kulangot. bato. may nakakaalam ba diyan pano magpatangkad pa?! kakaiba no? of all things ito pa naging complex ko,.. pakiramdam ko talaga ang liit ko,.. meon pa ba ako pag-asa kahit 1-2 inches lang?! max na 3 inches...solb na ko sa 5'8" (<----delirious!!) or am i really past the stage of getting taller?! [pakiramdam ko oo pero pwede bang bolahin nyo ko kahit konti?!] hay,.. basically yun,.. walang pinagbago,.. ako pa din ang mataray, makulit, maingay, minsan tahimik,matakaw,magulo, tawa ng tawa, minsan seryoso, suplada, (almost) mono-browed, payatot [pa di yata?!], long haired [mejo pnabawasan..mainit sa tinubuang lupa mga ate't kuya,..], pimply high school friend ninyo,.. changes are physical but i know i'll forever be stuck with this personality,.. haha,.. miSs ko na kayo lahat,... sa susunod na lang ulit,.. ay nga pala, thanks sa mga nagle-leave pa din ng mga meSsages sa ym,cbox,email,fster,mult's,comments or wherever kahit sobrang hindi na ako nakakarespond,.. it makes me smile na kahit papaano, nAaalala niyo pa ko,.. haha,.. drama,.. but really, i mean it,.. thanks!! text naman kayo! ang lungkot ne cel ko eh,.. mabibilang sa kamay at paa kung ilang beses tumutunog sa isang araw,.. hehehehe,.. sige na nga,..'till here muna,..c",) kiSsSsSsSsSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! | | |
| weLl, nOt so muCh of an outsider,.. were preTty close actuaLly,.. it jUst made me tHink a lOt wHen he said this to me,.. "mAs guSto mong mSaktan ka wag mo lang naKikitang nSsktan ang iba,..pero tHe consequence is tHat yOU tend to have fragile fEelings kEah yOu nEed a lot of protecting,.." i'm nOt saying tHis is tRue bUt i can't reaLly oPpose because tHis is an unsolicited oPinion from someone who [i think] knows me a lot,.. nagulat ako wHen kuya said tHis kasi ang aLam ko i'm trying to be this touGh cOokie,.. and aLl the while i've bEen registering as a marshmaLlow,.. bUt somehow, it made me haPpy to kNow tHat despite the venEer i'm covering myself with, sOme peOple stiLl sEe the shivering liTtle girl inside,.. i can't update so much right now,.. i stiLl have 24 chapters to cover on nursing laws and half a gargantous bOok to rEad for ret-dem,.. somebody kiLl me nLang plEase?! | | |
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